Since I will not be starting the Topic of the Week until next monday i'm just going to write about random stuff until then....
My life is going great so far, I am in the exact place I wanna be in and I am doing exactly what I need to do for myself. Its been so long since i've thought about my self first and foremost before others. It seems that for the past five years everyone else's drama, trauma's, dilemna's and issues mattered more than mine. I gave my devotion, attention, advice and energy into ex boyfriends, friends or ex-friends and classmates. What's worse is that it has also involved family too! Don't get me wrong I love and respect my family and those close people and friends to me but sometimes you have to ask yourself "What about me?".
I believe it's time I ask myself what I Need, I Want, and I Deserve. For those of you who know me, then you know that this doesn't make me sound selfish. You all know that that is not the type of person I am. And it's true! I'm not a selfish or conceded person. To be fair I kinda have the right to be right now because I am taking a break from what seems to be the job within my personality that I am best at.
I am and will always be here for my friends and family who wana ask my advice or for my opinion or especically to those who just want to share their lives with me and their news with me. But maybe once in a while during a certain conversation whether through MySpace message, Facebook Chatting, E-Mail, Text or Phone Call they would like to seriously and lovingly ask me if there is something on my mind or how i'm feeling.
Currently there is only a small group of people who do this without me ask or insuating. Especially my Mom! Yes I said it. My mom always cares and is always concerned for me and is always excited to hear how i'm doing and it's not just because I am away at school or or because i'm living on my own but because well I am her pride and joy!
So for anyone who is thinking of me for a moment let me just say something...since this online diary is for the purposes to express my feelings, thoughts or opinions even if no one else reads this except me then at least it serves it's purpose for me.
I have this strong feeling and a strong attraction towards a particular person, to keep him private until I recieve his permission or until I believe it is karmically safe to reveal him and I will refer to him as Jakesully!
This Jakesully is currently someone I miss terrible. Everything about him makes me happy and makes me smile. I think about him and the past adventures i've shared with him. Everytime I get a message from him I always laugh because he always puts jokes along with everything he says!!!!
Jakesully sometimes makes me speechless or gives me writers block so much to the point that I over anaylze everything I write so I don't sound stupid or ridiculous.
For a while know i've been urging to talk to him about certain subjects of emotions, but I never know how to start the conversation or what exactly is the right thing to say, more importantly i'm not 100% sure about how he feels about me and it is making me antsy with suspense. Somedays I feel I don't need to hear them from him I just somehow magically know what he feels for me...doesn't that sound crazy???
Maybe it does or maybe it doesn't! Either way I will find the best way to say it to him and maybe I will be able to be closer with him.
So many people who know of him and know the few stories about him already like him and think he might be the kind of guy I need. They also think that its amazing that i'm finally starting to have all of my heart back enough to try to give it to another person.
I've been so hurt recently in the past that I am so afraid to really get close to someone and end up getting betrayed. I've never understood why such great, sweet girls get their heartsbroken. The only good news about my heart being broken is that there is someone who I feel now is starting to mend it.
I smile, I laugh, he is reminding why there are Men and Women in this world. He is also reminding that love really does exist. That there is such a thing as passion not sexually but emotionally and psychologically. I believe that for two people to make things work forever or for at least as long as they live there must but a thousand and one things that connect them. It's all a mental, physical, emotional and spiritual connection. It's the differences and similarities they share, it's the things they experience, believe or learn together.
Love was a word that made me only think of one particular person, but now as I sit in my quiet apartment with Sex and the City on the TV in the background playing an earlier phone message in my head from my dear Jakesully, I am reminded of how much I am able to feel, and I am remarkable impressed because I didn't know when this day would finally come! I have been waiting for what seems like an eternity to finally be able to feel such incredible wonderful, "butterfly in the stomach", make my heart melt at even the smallest gestures feeling towards another person. I am not saying that I am in love with Jakesully or that I want to be with him forever...but there is this aching feeling in my gut that if I don't try to see if there can be more between us I will spend my whole life wondering if what I am feeling is just excitment for someone new or the feeling that I might actually bond with someone on a level that will become inexplainably breathtaking to me and him but of course to no one else.
The question I know ask myself is....When will that moment come with neither one of us can Wonder any longer?
So I haven't seen the new Valentine's Day movie yet but I will be very soon...A Romantic Comedy which by the way is an oxymoron...but that is totally fine anyways because the movie should ROCK!!! With a kick ass cast like this one how could it not!!
